The Embodiment of Evil

An extract

In a foul temper Griselda walked beside the tower, muttering to herself, "Those dim daft dwarves are absolutely hopeless.  They have yet to catch a single child.  I shall put an advert in The Daily Witch: 'Wanted - guards for hunting boys and girls.'"

          A few weeks later Griselda said to Boris, "These replies to my advertisement are really, really bad.  Look at this one: six convictions for assault before the age of three; burglary, robbery, piracy on the High Seas; ten years in prison, just come out.  First class!  Absolutely first class!" she enthused.  "Yes, mistress," hissed Boris doubtfully, not sure he wanted to live with someone who had six convictions for assault before the age of three.

          "And this one: a big game hunter.  Look at this photograph of him beside a dead elephant.  Has hunted seals, hippos, rhinos and giraffes.  Not much experience of hunting boys and girls but says that he can learn fast."  "Yes, mistress," hissed Boris doubtfully, not sure he wanted to live with someone who hunted hippos and giraffes.

          "And this one.  My goodness!  He encloses a reference from Jack the Ripper.  'Good with the knife,' it says."  Boris shuddered: "Mistress, he must be very old."  "Dead of course.  Look at the address: Highgate Cemetery."  "Mistress," hissed Boris, absolutely certain he did not wish to live with a ghoul who was a friend of Jack the Ripper.  "Mistress, these applicants: they are no good." 
"I know," cried Griselda, rubbing her hands in glee.  "They are bad; really, really bad."  "But, mistress, they are so bad they would murder you in your bed and steal your gold."  Griselda caught her breath.  "You think so?"  "Mistress, I do.  You want someone bad, but not that bad."

          Griselda paused.  "I had not thought of that.  Boris, I hate it when you are right." She kicked Boris to the top of the highest tree and went off in a sulk.

          Later that day Griselda said to Boris: "I have had a new idea.  I shall advertise in The Lady for a nanny or au pair.  Nannies are trained to hunt for little boys and girls.  From what I hear, some are pretty bad."  "But, mistress!  We do not have a baby.  A nanny will think it very odd to come here if we do not have a baby."  "Boris, you will be the baby."  "Mistress no!"  "I have an old pram.  I shall put you in it, dress you in a frilly hat and frilly nightie and stuff the nightie with newspaper to make a body.  The nanny will not realise that you are not a baby."  "But I am bony!"  "She will think that you are feeling poorly.  It will not be for long.  As soon as we find a nanny who is really bad she can be told the truth."

          "But, mistress, how about when they change the nappy?"  Griselda paused for thought.  "I shall say that I have bought a new design that only needs changing once a week."  "But, mistress, where will the nanny sleep?" "In a shed like the guards."  "What about a bathroom?"  "A bathroom!" exclaimed Griselda in amazement.  "She can use the loo in the shed above the stream in the corner of the glade."  "And wash in the stream?"  "Of course," replied Griselda. "I do."  "You will never get a nanny to stay without a bedroom and a bathroom."  Griselda went off in a sulk: "I hate it when he is right.  Why is he so brainy?"  She raised her magic staff.  She installed a bedroom and a bathroom in the attic of the tower.

          The first au pair (Carlotta) was a Spanish girl.  She flitted from task to task like a buzzing fly, playing the guitar and castanets and dancing the flamenco. She did not last long.

          "The noise!" moaned Griselda.  "That girl has got to go."  "Oh but mistress," hissed Boris, his sockets flashing wildly,  "She is a lovely dancer.  Have you seen the way she moves her body?"  "Boris, shut up!" screamed Griselda. 

          Boris floated up from the pram where he was pretending to be a baby.  He flashed his red sockets where once were eyes and gnashed his gnashers just behind the bottom of the girl as she was dancing the flamenco.  She did not stop running until she had crossed the Pyrenees, when she fell down upon her knees and thanked the Holy Mother of God for saving her from the English heathen.

          The next au pair was an English girl.  Tracy was fifteen years old.  She was like a princess, with golden hair, painted nails and lips of varied hue. She looked into the pram.  "What a ......"  She took a deep breath. "What a lovely baby.  Who does he take after?  His mother or his father?"  "Are you saying that I look like that?" shrieked Griselda, pointing at the bony skull.     "No, no, of course not," stammered the girl.

          "Go and cook the supper.  Two steaks," said Griselda.  "One for me, one for the baby."  The girl looked puzzled.  She was not very bright but knew that babies did not eat steaks.  "He is pale and bony," said Griselda. "The doctor has ordered a special diet."

          The girl lasted a week. "It's no good Boris," grumbled Griselda.  "She could never hunt for little boys and girls.  She would be too afraid of damaging her nails.  Get rid of her."          Boris floated up from the pram, flashed his red sockets where once were eyes and gnashed his gnashers just behind the bottom of the girl as she was painting a little toe.  She did not stop running until she reached the Persian Gulf where she got a job working for an Arab Sheikh.

          There then arrived Miss MacPhee, a nanny getting on in years.  She walked inside the tower.  She took one look around and said: "There will have to be some changes."  "There will not!" exclaimed Griselda.  "Boris!  Get rid of her."

          Boris floated up from the pram and flashed his red sockets where once were eyes.  He gnashed his gnashers just behind the bottom of Miss MacPhee as she was climbing up to test a cupboard top for dust.  She did not stop running until she reached a Wee Free church in the Western Isles where she took sanctuary.

          Sonya, the next girl, was rather wild (something Boris liked).  She pushed him through the village at great speed, went paddling in the river, called in at The George for a pint (or two), then played rugby with the boys. One night (having drunk too much) she slept propped up against a gravestone in the churchyard thinking that she was home in her bed in the attic of the ruined tower.

          "Boris!  That girl is absolutely wild.  I cannot ask her to go to the shop to buy rhino sick.  She might bring back poison." "But, mistress, she is lots of fun." "Fun!" Griselda screamed.  "The object of this exercise is not to find you a gorgeous chick. I want someone to do the work and hunt for little boys and girls.  Get rid of her."

          Sadly Boris floated up, flashed his red sockets where once were eyes, but did not gnash his gnashers, for he liked Sonya. "See you around, Boris," she called out, heading for the pub.

          Then arrived Narg, with thin, sharp, ashen face, pink hair, orange dress, sunken misshapen eyes.  She looked very, very evil.  Griselda rubbed her hands in glee: "Perfect, absolutely perfect!  You only have to look at her to tell that she is evil.  Boris, would you like Narg to kiss you?"  Boris's teeth began to chatter. "I would rather not," he hissed, as Narg bent down and pinched him hard upon his bony cheek.

          "Mistress," hissed Boris in Griselda's ear, "You are making a mistake." "Boris, shut up.  I know you: you want a dolly bird with pretty hair and pretty face."  "But, mistress - " protested Boris in despair.  "Go, before I lose my temper, put you on a pole and use you as a scarecrow." Boris floated to the top of a tree.  Griselda went to see Narg who was outside, plucking the wings off a passing bat.

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