The Land of Lost Hair

An extract

The Old Vicarage was a rambling house in a village, low within a valley enclosed by hills.  In the hills above the valley lived Griselda the Grunch, a witch who longed to munch the tender flesh of little boys and girls and contented crunch their slender bones.

She lived in a ruined tower in a glade deep within the forest.  Bats hung from the branches of dead trees; snakes slithered; spiders crept; carrion crows circled in the sky.  Along one side of the tower stood a row of cages: they were newly built and standing ready for the fattening up of little girls and boys.

Griselda looked into her crystal ball.  She shouted to Boris the skull, who was her servant and strangely fond of her, "Come here! Look at those three boys playing in the garden of The Old Vicarage.  They look very juicy and good to eat.  I wonder what their names are?"  She adjusted her crystal ball and listened intently.  "The eldest is Julius, the middle one Alexander, the little one Benjamin.  Oh, roast Julius!  Stewed Alexander!  Benjamin on toast!  Just what I always wanted."

Griselda drooled and sighed and licked her loathsome lips.  "I shall make them disappear and travel here by magic.  Guards!  Bring me the magic cauldron."

Her guards were three dim daft disgusting dwarves:  Julioso picked his nose; Aliano made rude sounds; Benjio spat in a repulsive fashion.  They scurried around tripping over each other's feet.

"Idiots!  Idiots!  I said the cauldron, not the cooking pot!  Ah, that is better.  Now the ingredients: eye of newt, blood of dragon, fang of cobra.  What comes next?  Ah, yes, slime of maggot."

In high good humour Griselda picked up her magic staff.  She stirred the cauldron and gave a horrid laugh:  "By all that is evil, soon I shall have my supper."  She uttered an ancient charm but the boys did not disappear.  They did not travel to Griselda.  She screamed, "The spell's gone wrong."  She picked up the packet of slime of maggot.  It was past its sell-by date.  "You stupid dwarves!  The ingredients are stale.  Who knows what effect that spell will have now?"

Next morning, when Julius awoke he said, "That's funny.  My head feels very cold."  He put his hands up to his head.  "There's nothing there!  My hair's all gone.  I'm bald."

He jumped out of bed and looked in the mirror.  He did not have a single hair upon his head - it was a dome of shining skin.  He ran into the bedroom of his brother Alexander.  "Alexander! Alexander!  I've lost my hair."

"Very careless," observed Alexander, waking with a start.  Then he put his hands up to his head.  "There's nothing there!  My hair's all gone.  I'm bald too!"

They ran to the bedroom of their brother Benjamin.  "Benje!  Benje!  We've lost our hair."

Benjamin woke up and felt his own head.  "So have I!  I'm as bald as you."

The three brothers ran to their mother and father.  "Daddy!  Mummy! Wake up!  Wake up!"

"Why are you disturbing us at this hour?" demanded their father.  "Go back to bed."

"We haven't any hair."

"Rubbish!"

"Look in the mirror."

Their father looked in the mirror.  He screamed, "There's nothing there!  My hair's all gone - I'm bald."

Their mother awoke and looked in the mirror too.  She let out a piercing shriek, jumped out of bed and hid inside the wardrobe for she did not want anyone to see her without hair.

"Mummy!  Come out," cried the boys.  "We don't mind if you are bald."

"I'm not coming out - everyone will laugh at me."

The boys went out into the garden and thought hard.  Then Julius suggested, "We must get Mummy a wig."

At that moment Snuggle ran up. "It must be Griselda," he cursed.

"But, Snuggle, you can talk!" cried the boys in surprise.

"Of course I can talk," said the cat.  "When I get Griselda I shall tear her into little bits."

"Who is Griselda?"

"A witch.  She must have cast a spell on you.  What we need to do now is to go to the Land of Lost Hair and get back your hair.  Join hands, close your eyes and think of your hair."

The boys and Snuggle joined hands.  They closed their eyes.  The boys thought of their hair as Snuggle gently breathed upon them and they all whirled through the void and landed in a valley.  There was a notice which read, "Private.  Keep Out.  Land of Lost Hair."

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